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Parenting Human Literacy #4: Banking!

16/9/2015

Money in The Bank...

Hadit not been for the Lake Michigan Credit Union (LMCU) banking program, Khayriyyah and Khyasirah may have never gotten an allowance (subject for future post). I’m not sure how Wil and I might have thought about paying our children to do anything. I’m sure the issue would have come up at some point, but the LMCU bank program brought the money issue up when the girls were in kindergarten and 2nd grade.

When we received the paperwork about the program, we immediately signed the girls up for savings accounts. Participating in the banking program meant the girls needed money. We weren’t going to just give them “free” money – that would send a crippling message because we wanted them to learn how to working for AND saving money, right?

NOTE: Never, ever, give your children “free, no strings-attached, unearned money” if you want to leave, become self-sufficient, and potentially be a source you can borrow from at reasonable rates. Check out this resource: Get Kids to Save

Okay, so, the LMCU bank program led us into the realm of allowance earlier than we expected, which was just fine. While I don’t remember what they earned, I’m confident it matched their 5 and 7-year-old skills.

About the LMCU program:

This was a freaking 360-degree wonderful everyone wins idea!
Their bank was housed at Endeavor Elementary school. All the banking jobs were held by 5th graders, who were trained to run their school’s LMCU “branch”.
I believe, the bank opened once a month during the school day.
Students were given time to go the bank, where they could open accounts and make deposits – I think they could only deposit (this is good).

10% Rule: Save TEN percent ALL money that crosses your palm – this includes

Allowance (we matched)
Birthdays
Graduation money (high school and on
Paycheck (when they got their first job)

Where Is All That Money Now?

Well, I wish I could end this post by writing that our girls still have all their saved money, but I can’t because they spent it. They didn’t spend it all at once - but over time with thoughtful reflection. Sure, I wish we would have done more with their savings like invest some of it (investment: subject for future post).

However, the point of the LMCU banking program was to build a sense of thoughtful habits about money. I'm happy to say both girls have developed a good level of conscious thought about money.

Unfortunately, the LMCU banking project ended a long time ago. When the branch at school ended, the girls took their checks (yes, we only gave them checks) to the real branch. You are missing a special sight if you never see you child walk up to a teller and hand over their check for a deposit.

No, you don’t NEED the bank “branch” at your child’s school – but the educational benefits are hard articulate.

With or without a program like the one Lake Michigan Credit support, Wil and I suggest you start a saving account for your children and pay them with checks (yes, they are going out of style but while they’re still available, order and use them for this purpose).

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Parenting Human Literacy #3: Snacks!

10/9/2015

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As soon as our girls were old enough to argue over what snacks we should buy during our grocery store trips, I began looking for a solution. I decided to turn snack shopping over to them. This was one of the BEST parenting decisions I have ever made in the 18 years I’ve spent with the two of them.

I gave them snack and cereal purchasing duty because they were driving me crazy and had no concept of a grocery budget. They were about 6 & 8-years old. I had a budget of about $40 every two-weeks for snacks, which I gave the budget to them and then the magic began happening.

I always gave them cash for their grocery/snack shopping. The first few times they went in happily blind to all the decisions that happen while shopping. They argued, and I stayed out of it. They bought snacks with little planning and thought, which resulted in not having enough snacks to last until the next shopping day.

Here is the first big deal rule I gave them:

Wil and I did not regulate snack time. That’s right! We told them they could eat their snacks whenever they wanted.

This freedom along with their lack of planning ensured they’d run out of snacks. This was a great lessen because the other rule was “if you run out of snacks before the next grocery day, we will not buy more.” Living with them on the no snack days was awesome! There is nothing more satisfying than watching the reality of no snacks for 6 more days. It only took a few of these experiences to teach them to self-regulate their snacks.

To help them out, we instituted a few more rules...
1. They had to make a list (planning)
2. They could only have ONE list (cooperation & negotiation)
3. They had to spell everything correctly on their list (language arts)
4. Their idea – calculate to costs and add items up before the checkout - a few times of putting items back at the checkout made them cost conscious – (math skills)

Once we arrived at the store, they took a mini-cart and began their shopping; I took the big cart and began mine. For the record, I was very anxious and worried about letting my girls walk around the store, so I followed them close enough to relax but stayed far enough away so that I never but into their conversations.

Once my girls began doing their own snack/grocery shopping, I enjoyed the whole experience much, much, more.

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To Know His Name is Human Literacy

6/9/2015

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After a day of first world privileges, I cannot sleep without acknowledging our comfort with starting our thinking at the end with labels like "Drowned Syrian Boy" and being complacent with NEVER getting to the humanity of the beginning.

This is Aylan Kurdi. He never lost his humanity. To know his name helps you remember yours.

What you do next determines your current level of bravery...

1. I'm ready to practice humanity

2. I'm fine with remembering it on photographic occasion

Human Literacy is the process of learning and practicing how to be human while learning and relearning how to recognize the humanity of others. The process of becoming literate of humanity makes it impossible to negate anyone's humanity without the expectation of dire consequences (my working definition).

Practicing human literacy is exhausting. If you're barely tired, there is more for you to do.

It's nice to welcome refugees...

1. One hundred children orphaned by the Syrian civil war could find a home in Uruguayan President José "Pepe" Mujica's summer retreat, "a mansion and riverfront estate surrounded by rolling pastures," according to Yahoo News. That would be a welcome sight for any of the hundreds of thousands of refugees displaced by Syria's political turmoil.

2. One of Egypt's richest men has declared he is seeking to solve the ongoing Syrian refugee crisis by purchasing a Greek or Italian island and building a settlement there for hundreds of thousands of refugees.

Welcome them here WHILE addressing the reasons sending them fleeing.

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Parenting Human Literacy #2: Reflective Discipline

2/9/2015

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NOTE: Whatever discipline you use with your young human beings make sure it includes accountability on everyone’s part. Make sure to acknowledge that consequences can be positive and negative, intended and unintended, known and unknown, and most honestly only loosely in your control at all times. (See Previous post for Human Literacy Definition).

Before & after I had children, I thought the type of discipline was relative to the situation and did not exclude corporal or psychological punishment. My mother used a variety of punishments (spanking, whopping, psychological maneuvers).

She bore 13 children and explained that some of us responded to just above normal level talking and explanation, some to shouting, some to spanking, which consisted of a limited number of strikes from her hand to the child’s hand or buttocks. Sometimes the spanking employed a ruler, in which cases she notes that you must not be angry during those times because you can misjudge the force needed to make your corporal punishment point. She also told me that some of us responding to privilege restrictions, while others needed whopping.

A whopping is different from spanking because its purpose is to strike clear fear into the child, who was tended to be male and between 10 – 12yrs old (however, female children were not exempt from wondering into this realm of punishment). Whoppings required an instrument: a switch (a specially selected thin flexible branch, sometimes several of them braided together), a belt (the kind men use to hold up their pants not the dainty fashion belts women wore), or a cord (from some discarded appliance). Unfortunately, whoppings are usually accompanied by fear and anger. My mother noted that unlike the fear and anger that accompany whopping, verbal exchanges that attack the child/pre-teen/teen’s self-worth and always anger. Hey, I’m just telling you me experience with this stuff…

My mother explained that by the time you reach whopping-a-child-level you have a bigger problem that the punishment most likely won’t fix. The idea here, is that you’ve already gone through all other non-physical and physical options and are now so despondent that you’re pissed enough to actually hurt this kid, who is probably at a decent age of reason, say, 10 – 14 years or so old.

I had the privilege of seeing how my six older sisters parented. I also had the experience and recall of only two physical altercations with my parents, as I was mostly a talk to child. At some time between 3 and 5-years old, I played with matches, which resulted setting my parents’ room on fire and almost killing younger brother and myself.

Yes, even at that age, I knew what I was doing and it felt great to set the matches catch fire! The sulfuric order intensified once the match was lit, the smoke stung our noses. It was a great few seconds or minutes of acceleration. However, once the curtains shot up to the ceiling in a reddish-orange stinking polyesterish intensity of heat, nothing I’d experienced up to that moment felt worth it. When someone opened the bedroom door in response to our screams, I shot past him/her and immediately sought a hiding place. When I was found, I got a whopping – I was the exception to the age rule – I was okay with the whole thing because I was alive. I never played with matches again. My mother never hit me in any way again. I think she freaked herself out with the amount of fear and anger she had when she whopped me.

The next time I recall receiving physical punishment, it came from my father. He had a sharp, biting, critical tongue, which I inherited and honed under his guidance. I don’t think he was aware of this until I said something to him that struck a nerve – I was being a sarcastic smarty-pants. Whatever I said in response to him, I said in an aloof manner while strolling past him, as if he were a peasant in my empire pre-teen rule. Just as the ending syllables of my “take-that” phrase left my lips and I was near clear of him, I felt a stark sting spread cross my buttocks and realized this person hit me! I could not believe my father spank my behind so hard that the force added an extra step to my haughty stride.

Tears immediately appeared in my eyes; I don’t think is screamed (but could be wrong because I had a dramatic flair at the time). I do know we made eye contact and he may have warned me to watch my mouth. I was about 12-years old and we both knew should apply to both of us. I also saw the shame and defeat in his face that my critical, sarcastic, biting based on truth words had pushed him to violence. He lost and I won. Like the time I played with matches, nothing I’d experienced up to that moment felt worth it. However, I became aware of my sharp tongue and awareness is the first step to reflective actions and choices. I cannot say I was never sarcastic and critical again.

My Attempts at
Physical Discipline

Limited spanking to “if you hit her, I’ll hit you with explanation” – EXAMPLE: one of my daughters once kicked her toddler-aged foot at another child and made contact. I gave her foot a tap/spank and talked to the foot as if it had a brain. Then I talked to my daughter about her foot and what happened to make her foot kick someone.

I never whopped (I never got that angry or fearful)

Okay, once, I slapped one of my daughters across the face. It was a total angered reflex at, guess what? Her biting sarcastic verbal skills and inability to shut up! I did not immediately apologize. I eventually apologized and we talked about how she won because I was moved to violence and I would never allow that to happen again. I have also vowed to find an occasion to slap the other daughter because I want my daughters to understand I love them equally. It’s been 8 years since that incident and to ensure my arm can’t reach her, the as-yet-slapped daughter makes sure her back talk is done from another room. I constantly point this strategic move out the once-slapped daughter. I assure both of them that the as-yet-slapped daughter will slip up one day and I’ll be able to put the universe right.

I Prefer Consequence &
Reflective Moment Discipline

NOTE: The human beings we raise adapt and so must our disciplinary methods. If we don’t adapt, they will drive us nuts and cause havoc in the world or become victims of it.

Personal and Collective Responsibility:
This disciplinary action required a phone call to my daughter’s school and a note to her teachers, which she had to write. To drive home the point of personal responsibility I once made my daughter carry an empty a dozen-sized Krispy Kreme box around school all day (middle school) because she ate the last doughnut and could not manage to put the box in the trash after several days of reminders. I thought, if she carried the box around all day, she’d remember to put it in the trash at the end of the day.

Time Outs:
Once time outs stopped working, (which I could tell because the girls had more fun sitting in a chair as they did playing about freely), I put myself on Time Outs! This only worked twice, but was worth it to bring their attention to their behavior. Yes, they were such an issue that mommy had to go to her room a shut the door. It was nice to hear the perplexity, as they loudly whispered outside my door trying to figure out when I might come out again. GREAT!

Hugging, Listing, Telling, Explaining: When they argued or dared say I don’t love/like you, they were sentenced to...

Hugging each other for an unspecified amount of time
Writing a list of good things about the person other and reading the list to the person
Telling/explaining to the person how the felt/feel and would need to heal

Restorative justice:

Yes, we allow our children to weigh in on disciplinary consequences for themselves and others

Think About Yourself:
When there were issues, which happen in child-teen years, they were banished to their rooms to think about themselves for a while and write in their journals. When they felt ready to talk about the issue, they could come out. If they came up unprepared to talk about the issue, they were sent back, and could not come out until we (mom/dad) felt enough time had passed.

That’s All

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Parenting Human Literacy #4: Banking!

Money in The Bank...

Where Is All That Money Now?

Parenting Human Literacy #3: Snacks!

To Know His Name is Human Literacy

Parenting Human Literacy #2: Reflective Discipline

I Prefer Consequence & Reflective Moment Discipline

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I Prefer Consequence &
Reflective Moment Discipline